Disconnected Relationship

No one sets out to create a relationship that will someday be or feel hurtful, abusive or disconnected. We begin relationships with an idealism that allows us to believe in the enduring quality of friendship or love even if past experiences have shown us differently. If we come from a broken home, we believe whole-heartedly that we will do it differently! We will be the exception and not the norm.

So, why are there so many in the world feeling the discontent and the disconnect?

According to Merriam-Webster, disconnect is “to sever the connection of or between; to become detached or withdrawn”. Another source added to the above with: “2. Electricity To shut off the current in (an appliance) by removing its connection to a power source.” As a therapist I love the idea that our relationship(s) can be our power source and I’d like to help you reconnect to that power source!

Do you know anyone whose relationship fits either of those definitions? Sadly, I do. As a therapist, I see it often. The upside to this is that if the person or persons are in my office and I am seeing this, then there is hope! Whether they have put a name to it or not, they realize, they FEEL the disconnection and they are seeking some healing of that disconnect!

We long for connection. Humans are social creatures and the connections we form are so very important to us. We form and maintain connections from birth. Our most immediate connections are based on need - as a baby, we need food, cuddling, warmth, love and all of my other needs met because we are unable to do so. As we grow, in a perfect world, we grow or mature into the ability to meet our own needs, to be able to self-soothe and yet even in this context, we continue to need and want connection with others. Hopefully, as we mature, our relationships based on these connections mature. As teens we ‘try on’ connecting with others, learning more about them and more about ourselves. Initially we want to know more about them…perhaps feeling selfish because we want to connect with people who want to know more about us!

We ‘fall in love’ because of the (sometimes implied) connections that we feel with another. Perhaps it is recognitions of our earliest needs being met. We gravitate toward repeat of earlier experiences. We find our perfect mate, the one who attends to our every word, our every need and we commit to one another.

So, in this rather abbreviated version of relationship, how do we come to disconnect? What causes a detachment, withdrawal, or a severing of the relationship? What disruption occurs in the connection to our relational power source? What perceptions change our view of our connection to another? How can all of the above leave us feeling alone in a crowd?

If you are feeling disconnected, I invite you to consider, today and without blame, the gradual disconnection from the power source of your relationship.