Disconnected Relationship

No one sets out to create a relationship that will someday be or feel hurtful, abusive or disconnected. We begin relationships with an idealism that allows us to believe in the enduring quality of friendship or love even if past experiences have shown us differently. If we come from a broken home, we believe whole-heartedly that we will do it differently! We will be the exception and not the norm.

So, why are there so many in the world feeling the discontent and the disconnect?

According to Merriam-Webster, disconnect is “to sever the connection of or between; to become detached or withdrawn”. Another source added to the above with: “2. Electricity To shut off the current in (an appliance) by removing its connection to a power source.” As a therapist I love the idea that our relationship(s) can be our power source and I’d like to help you reconnect to that power source!

Do you know anyone whose relationship fits either of those definitions? Sadly, I do. As a therapist, I see it often. The upside to this is that if the person or persons are in my office and I am seeing this, then there is hope! Whether they have put a name to it or not, they realize, they FEEL the disconnection and they are seeking some healing of that disconnect!

We long for connection. Humans are social creatures and the connections we form are so very important to us. We form and maintain connections from birth. Our most immediate connections are based on need - as a baby, we need food, cuddling, warmth, love and all of my other needs met because we are unable to do so. As we grow, in a perfect world, we grow or mature into the ability to meet our own needs, to be able to self-soothe and yet even in this context, we continue to need and want connection with others. Hopefully, as we mature, our relationships based on these connections mature. As teens we ‘try on’ connecting with others, learning more about them and more about ourselves. Initially we want to know more about them…perhaps feeling selfish because we want to connect with people who want to know more about us!

We ‘fall in love’ because of the (sometimes implied) connections that we feel with another. Perhaps it is recognitions of our earliest needs being met. We gravitate toward repeat of earlier experiences. We find our perfect mate, the one who attends to our every word, our every need and we commit to one another.

So, in this rather abbreviated version of relationship, how do we come to disconnect? What causes a detachment, withdrawal, or a severing of the relationship? What disruption occurs in the connection to our relational power source? What perceptions change our view of our connection to another? How can all of the above leave us feeling alone in a crowd?

If you are feeling disconnected, I invite you to consider, today and without blame, the gradual disconnection from the power source of your relationship.

Alone? Or lonely in a crowd?

My name is Delee D'Arcy and I am a Marriage & Family Therapist. I am honored to have been working professionally for over 15 years with individuals and couples as they almost literally struggle to create a better - different - relationship. In this blog, my goal is to process thoughts and observations in order to become a better relational therapist. I truly want to help people have deeper, more meaningful relationships with one another. I have seen so many over the years that come in from discontent about the depth of their relationships. I see men's confusion about 'what to do' to please their spouse; I see women's frustration and fatigue related to all that we do in relationships.

This blog is NOT about blame. There is too little time for blame and since so many have focused on blaming another and then failed to change anything, let's not go there! The very definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over with an expectation that things will be different or changed. And, if we search for blame then I will have to blame your parents, their parents and so on. And, if and when your children or grandchildren come to me or another therapist, the blam would then be assigned to you also. In my mind, this is a useless waste of time. Let's focus on somethng more positive, something more productive. In this moment, I'm not sure where this will lead but I am hopeful that something good comes from it!

Now, as a Family Therapist, I DO look at patterns in relationships. I AM interested in how you learned to be in relationship. I AM interested in how you are impacting your children's (and grandchildren's) view of how one IS in relationships.

I am also aware that I come at this writing from the position of being a woman in the world. In the therapy room I am very conscious of both men and women and what each brings to the relationship. I will strive very hard in this blog to challenge both genders to consider how they are and how they can or want to be in relationship with others. I am looking forward to the process of considering how I can become a better woman in relationship as well as becoming a better therapist to my clients who seek my guidance and support.